It was forbidden to import Jaco's parrots into the Soviet Union, but almost all of them were transported from Angola, bypassing customs in a cunning manner. To carry live cargo, it is necessary that this cargo behave like a dead one, that is, it does not flutter and generally pretends to be a grilled chicken, only a small one. Therefore, the parrots were simply drunk with a whole tablespoon of medical alcohol, after which they were chopped off for at least a day and were nothing more than a wordless anatomical guide to the structure of a bird carcass in a state of suspended animation. Usually, a comatose animal was immersed in a container, like a drawing tube, in which neat holes were drilled, and in this state was taken to a new place of residence.
Who knows, maybe this time the alcohol turned out to be diluted or a seasoned parrot, but at the customs inspection, when the officer opened the bag, the tube for the drawings suddenly fluttered and a disheveled parrot emerged from it.
- Oops! - only the customs officer could say, - What are you, comrade, carrying illegal cargo ?!
The owner of the cargo was already getting ready to make excuses, but Jaco shook himself, straightened his feathers and yelled at the entire airport:
- I am Russian! I ru-u-u-ssssky! Russian!!!
Well, how was it possible not to let such a comrade into the Motherland ??
A parrot's life is not easy
There are such parrots - Jaco. Many have heard about them, but hardly anyone has seen. In appearance, they are inconspicuous, small, two or three times larger in size than wavy, grayish, without any special decorations. The only thing that sets them apart is intelligence. Very quickly they learn human speech and, moreover, they apply the acquired knowledge in time and to the place.
Jaco parrots live in Africa, and, despite all their wildness, they very quickly get used to and become attached to people, especially if they begin to communicate with them while still chicks. One of the military advisers, from a business trip, just brought such a chick. Small and naked, not yet overgrown with feathers, the officers hand-fed him and tamed him in every way. A year later, he grew up and, although he had not learned to fly, began to cheerfully run around the premises.
By that time, the gray parrot already knew a lot of Russian, English and Portuguese (Portuguese-English dialect, it is spoken by the bulk of the population of Angola) swear words and used them with might and main in everyday life.
When in the morning his owner left to wash, Jaco ran out of the room and walked importantly along the corridor, looking into all the rooms in a row and commenting on what he saw:
- How so? What the *** nya? - he asked, looking into the first room - everyone was asleep there, which did not correspond to the parrot's routine.
- Na-a-aado! - he concluded and moved on.
- Media-and-irnaaaaa! - shouted Jaco at the entrance to another room. There lived Major General M., the senior among military advisers and known for his commanding bass, as well as his love to give a pretty command so that the negroes would not see the light of day.
- A? What?! Where? Fuck !!! - yelled the awakening general, then turned to the wall, and grumbled, - Let you die, feathered.
- The very fool! - the parrot did not remain in debt and went on.
In the next room, the translators were just tearing their eyes, and Jaco spoke to them in bourgeois:
- Fuck you, right, gentlemen ??
- Jaco! Do not make me angry! - Denis grunted.
- May you do not panic! - proudly declared the parrot and walked on. Colonel Crocodile was usually by that time already fully awake, was busy with work, writing letters to his homeland and drinking local beer. His room was just next to the translators. Jaco usually lingered beside her and proclaimed in a mentoring tone the deputy for educational work:
- Thumping again, comrades ?! How can you!
- Don't teach me how to live! - answered Crocodile and held out his hand to the parrot. Jaco walked importantly towards him, then climbed like a perch on his index finger, from there onto the table and said:
- Bezobr – r – r – r – Asia! No pores! All around solid drunkenness and debauchery! Don't you think so? - and looked inquiringly into Colonel Crocodile's eyes.
- I agree completely! - Crocodile supported and poured beer into a saucer for the parrot.
- Ur-r-ra! - the parrot proclaimed a toast and drank, - Uhhhh, spirtyashshka!
Since the room of Colonel Crocodile along the corridor was far from the last, and not only Crocodile enjoyed beer on a hot morning - Jaco got to his master, already leaving the shower, in a state of some alcoholic intoxication.
- Eh, you bastards … - said the owner of the parrot sadly, - They got me drunk again. So what am I to do with you?
- Let's go to the women !! - answered the parrot and both of them retired to hangover in their room …
Business, meanwhile, was approaching demobilization, the owner of Jaco had to go home. The suitcases are packed, the photographs are printed, the tickets are bought, the jeeps to the airport are filled, in a word, soon, in just half a day, it is the Motherland, cold and terribly wet compared to Luanda. The Russian language is everywhere, not just among its own. Negroes are few and all are without weapons. Poverty, but not that. I missed it, in general.
But what about the parrot?
Why not do what other advisors have done for generations? To give the warrior a drink, before the heroic sleep and carry it right in the luggage? However, this was not the case! According to the precepts of the ancestors, for a small parrot to have enough immobility for a day, one teaspoon of pure alcohol is enough. If the parrot is big - then the dining room.
The council of war, after doping, ruled that Jaco was still big. Alcohol was immediately poured into a tablespoon and presented to the parrot.
- Spirrtyashka! - said the parrot and drank.
Then he hiccupped and said:
- Oh frost, frost …
- It seems not enough … - said the owner of the feathered.
“Don't freeze me,” said Jaco.
“So let's pour some more,” the general suggested.
They poured it. The parrot hesitantly stomped around the treat, squinting at it with one or the other eye. It was evident that he wanted to drink, but at the same time he was somehow scared. Finally, overcoming all doubts, Jaco drank a second tablespoon of alcohol.
- Do not me-rr-oh me! My horse! - he said, staggered and fell on his side.
- Well, thank God. Right now, we'll put it in a container, and let's go, men,”said the owner of the bird and got up from the table.
- Drunk! All around there is a drunkenness, a badge of a fly, - said Jaco unexpectedly and wiggled his clawed paws.
Everyone froze. The advisers, silently and with concentration, counted the amount of alcohol in two tablespoons relative to their size. While they were counting, Jaco snapped his beak and stood up. Militantly raising his tuft, he said:
- Walk, so walk! Hussar-r-ry! Champagne to the horse!
- Stunned! Now he will still start to row, - said the translator.
“The tramp is strong,” the general muttered.
- Well, bastards! - the owner of the parrot boiled, - They gave me a bird after all! Well, I'll arrange it for you!
- Come on, do not shout, did not drink, but trained. Otherwise, out of habit, on the contrary, the flippers could glue, or rather the wings.
- Yes? And what should I do now?
- Firstly, calm down, and secondly, pour more. It's just that Jaco turns out to be a grated roll. In the cold it will definitely not die now.
After the third, the parrot really got into a deep drunk sleep and was packed into luggage. Naturally, he did not notice the flight, since he was asleep until the very end of the trip, and only regained consciousness at his master's house. When he woke up and got out of the box, the compassionate colonel was already holding a saucer of beer at the ready:
- Well, Zhakoschka? No headache?
The parrot perked up, picked up the tuft and said:
- It's cold, shit! - Then he went to the saucer and was hungover. Apparently, due to the old yeast, intoxication returned and he, already on his own, went to the box, where he lay down comfortably.
- Just like you, - the owner's wife said angrily, watching the whole picture from the beginning to the end.
- ***** - r-races! - Jaco cried out and fell asleep.
- Just like you! - said his wife with conviction.
