"Somewhere in the distant galaxy, office wars raged!"
("New Jedi Against a New Empire." "Episode 13")
If you are an employee of a newfangled office, which is a fairly spacious room, with work tables and a separate room for the chief with walls made of transparent polycarbonate, do not think or dream that you are more fortunate with work than those who have to work. in small offices with tables dating back to Soviet times, antediluvian computers and old cabinets with folders for papers. First of all, you should know that in such an office space, which in the West is usually called "open space" or "office in an open space", there are also its own laws, its own ethics and even specific secrets, without knowing which you are inside "this space" it won't be easy to succeed!
During the conversation in the "common kitchen", you learned that some employee (God forbid, this will be your boss!) Does not reach the point of raising a little boy. Then give her such an airplane from … a used toilet paper tube to hand over to him. Just don’t be greedy and paint it well to look like metallic aluminum. Both women and magpies are greedy for everything shiny! And be at ease, if she has a husband, she will explain to him where his hands are growing from! A trifle, as they say, but nice - two or even three birds with one stone!
At first it will seem to you that it would be right here to work, because everyone is in sight, so your hard work and diligence will certainly be noticed and rewarded. However, in reality, all this is far from the case. Because someone came to work a little earlier, someone later. Someone was, perhaps by accident, in a place better than another, and someone was not lucky with the place at all. You need to know that jobs in such an office are divided according to special rules, and you will need to behave in accordance with it, your position and - do not forget, your own ideas and opinions about yourself. It is clear that you must constantly remember that it is not enough to know your own worth, you also need others to agree with your price!
But first of all, you need to become a little scout (or a spy - whoever likes what!), And very carefully, although unnoticed by others, to observe the line, which is invisible to the eyes, but in such an office often, or rather, almost always, invisibly connects the seat of your boss, who sits in his glass cubicle, and his secretary or assistant secretary at the entrance. The boss usually always involuntarily talks to them about the weather, sometimes complains about back pain or swears at competitors - this is the first informational contact that he establishes with the “people”, and which these “associates” value very much. Such an assistant secretary or secretary can be likened to a dog that she has found a bone for herself and will not give it up so easily. From a formal point of view, they have neither power nor position, but … they can inform the boss after the end of the working day that you are the most stupid and useless employee in the company and that it is very easy to do without you, but there is no way without Maria Ivanovna's nephew ! Crossing the road for such a secretary, especially if it's a dry spinster, and your boss is young and attractive enough - tantamount to career suicide! Such a woman, in addition to everything else, is very often also a prude. She is often inclined to ostentatious religiosity - you will notice this from the icons on her desk - that is why in an open office such a woman is "worse than an atomic war." In no case do not make her angry, and do not conflict with her. Or, on the contrary, try to do it both motivated and publicly, that is, so that all her future intrigues against you could easily be explained by her personal relationship to you. It is useless to sprinkle salt in sugar for her or put a pin on a chair - she dreams of such and such a “martyrdom” for her beloved chef! But you can try to get drunk as a lord at a corporate party in order to present the boss with high-quality material evidence of how much she compromises him. But only this must be done skillfully. Here you can't do just watching the movie "Office Romance"!
The simplest device for launching "secrets" like "You are a fool!" - cocktail tube!
That is, to be close to such a line means to be able to find a common language with the authorities, although there is no place for independent intellectuals and lazy people here.
There is one more secret axis in this room - the “axis of information”, and it is important, since knowledge about other people's affairs always gives power over them! Usually the work revolves around it, and those who want to keep abreast of all the most important office affairs should stay close to it. You can move it in your direction by different means. The simplest thing is to be aware of everything that is happening, be interested in any little things and remember everything. First of all, who said what and when. This makes a very strong impression on people and speaks of your excellent memory, although it may be just a tape recorder hidden in your breast pocket. Then it is important to be able to give advice to colleagues so as not to hurt their pride. Secondly, (after all, all people are people), tell them (but, of course, not in front of the secretary) that you saw your boss in the store of "goods for adults" or make them pay attention that he does not drink alcohol even for corporate parties. And being behind the wheel all the time is very suspicious, especially in Russia. Or that your secretary constantly looks in the back of the boss when he is holding meetings and at the same time smiles and licks her lips like a cat on sour cream, and many will think of you as a very observant and knowledgeable person - a source of useful information. But here it is important not to overdo it, otherwise you will easily be known as an ordinary gossip or gossip.
Here's what else a plastic spoon is good for …
But there may be a secret informant of the boss among you, so always remember the Arabic proverb: "The guilty tongue is cut off with the head!" Well, if you do not have such an axis in your office, it only means that no one is interested in real affairs here, and the main occupations of employees are intrigue, gossip and outright toadying, so quit this "viper" as soon as possible!
Remember also that the mores of people have changed very little since ancient times. Therefore, rotating in a circle of people from such an "open office" (however, this also applies to any other form of organization of the work collective), remember the words of the Arab poet of the 11th century Abu al-Ala al-Mayari, who sadly stated that "a noble man is a renegade everywhere for their fellow tribesmen and fellow tribesmen … ". So, if you are just that kind of person, you should be ready for this!
There are also two areas in the office in which your stay will not bring you any benefit. This is "middle-earth" and also "sleepy kingdom". Usually they are located in the corners, or in the very center of the office, but at the same time facing the secretary or the boss. That is, they can see that you are doing something, although in reality you can write a novel, "tryndet in Odnoklassniki" or even more interesting: watch sites with pictures of "big tits". The same places are located opposite the windows. You can admire the blue distance and dream sweetly about a summer vacation on the island of Cyprus … All this is not so bad if you do not want to stay here for a long time. You are paid a salary, no one bothers you to do work in your personal interests, well, God is with her with work. And if you are not an ambitious person, then this is where you belong, why not ?! An analogue of these "small towns" in Moscow is a house in Yuzhny Butovo. You seem to live in the capital, but for some reason no one is in a hurry to change housing with you!
But with such catapults made of clothespins, stirring sticks for coffee and a spoon in the West, they even hold a competition for accuracy and firing range in offices!
"Communal kitchen" - but it exists in offices and such, more often it is always located near the door. Usually there is a coffee maker, an electric kettle and a "drinker" with water, and everyone gathers there to have a snack, and if you, if your place is nearby, do not have to envy: you have to get up and close the door behind the visitors and enjoy the aromas of someone else's food, and look the way your colleagues chew, the pleasure is also not pleasant, especially since the food culture of our people is still the same. But there is also a plus - here is the second axis of information, or "the axis of gossip." Purposeful careerists, and just a smart enough and, let's say, prudent office employee, should not treat such a place with disdain. Here you can endure other people's aromas! Although, the information from here comes of a very specific nature: who has what kind of children (their own is always better than others!), And who eats what at breakfast. Serious matters are not discussed here. But only here you can find out that your boss at his previous job drank "well, just soundly" and that he is now "sewn up", therefore he does not drink with everyone at corporate parties. That he has no children, because at one time he had "two crosses" and he was treated for this for a long time, well, that's why he is so angry! Those who look down on "such things" are at great risk. One day, everyone will tell the same about them!
"Harlem", "ghettos" and "settlements" are also areas of your office, and to visit there you do not need to travel to the USA at all. "Vyselki" is just near the door, but with her back to the secretary, and therefore she can always see what you are doing, so you will have to work more than others, but the boss may not know you by sight. The "ghetto" is the place where those poor fellows who are the model of office mediocrity sit. "Harlem" is nothing more than a kind of "settlement", but "ghetto" is a group of tables near the wall, accessible to the watchful gaze of the secretary, so those who sit there sometimes even say a word.
Office work is always hard work, and then any work is, in general, a place where your bosses and colleagues offend you, as well as the state itself. Remember the saying that “hell is others! And just in such and such an office there are a lot of them. In addition, always remember the main point of the "Pareto law" that 80% of the people around you are … fools, and having all this in your head … get to work! Well, in order to relieve the stress accumulated over the whole day, learn to do something that would give you pleasure and relieve aggression. Do you want to yell at your wife? This is not a method! Besides, what if it paralyzes you and she has to put a ship under you? It means that bad office emotions cannot be dumped on the people closest to you. Trust that your work colleagues just aren't worth it. Therefore, in the West, it has come to the point that even psychologists there are developing scenarios of "office wars", the purpose of which is to solve problems with stress at work.
Of course, you can, in spite of your female colleagues, change toilets every day, but in order to succeed in this, you need to know when to stop and be only a little better than everyone else, since people simply cannot stand the superiority of others in a significant amount.
Someone in the truest sense of the word may try to annoy their opponents - that is, pour them a container with sugar (if they use it, of course!) A teaspoon of salt. But this kind of action - remember, is defined as "harassment", and harassment of employees by gender, age, as well as due to bad disposition, are usually prohibited, which is written even in the mission of the company!
But if your office space is divided into cell sections with frosted glass partitions, then there is a good way to relieve stress - the simplest catapult from a plastic spoon for coffee or tea. Instead, you can use wooden stirring sticks for coffee, but not all offices use them. The range of such a catapult is large enough, and allows you to shoot with mounted "fire" throughout the office, while its small size makes it easy to hide! The shells can be paper balls, but the best way to relieve stress is to shoot dummies of insects - flies, scorpions, beetles, cockroaches. Such "goodies" falling from the ceiling have a strong nervous effect on the female half of the office staff, as well as on squeamish men, by the way.
The simplest wood pistol for 3-5 charges in the West can be bought for only $ 2, 6!
Dart throwing discs in offices are no longer in vogue! It's much more fun to relieve stress with shooting devices … with colored office rubber bands! Here, ahead of the rest of the planet, the Japanese are in the lead, although the rest of the world is not very far behind. So, in the magazine "Popular Mechanics" once even placed a description and diagram of a 16-barrel "rubber thrower" driven by an electric motor with an ammunition load of as many as 720 rubber bands - a real electric machine gun! On each of its "trunks" there are 16 cuts, which are hooks for the rubber bands, and the rubber bands themselves are lowered in turn by means of a cord, which is wound onto a drum driven by an electric motor!
And this is just a photo of this multiply charged miracle!
True, such a "gadget" has to be charged for more than an hour and a half. However, there are also "mechanisms" for 2-7 "charges". It seems ridiculous: adult uncles and aunts "shoot" at each other with colored rubber bands, but this removes stress and increases overall performance. And besides, it is said that life is a game, and today's man is no longer Homo Sapiens, but Homo Ludens ?!
